just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
