when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
