yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
