I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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