if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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