I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
