so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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