I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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