You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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