Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
