There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
