Can i not drive my cunt home
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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