haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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