Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
