I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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