The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
