I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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