This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
