you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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