can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
