You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
