He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
