walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
