Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
