I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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