Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
