I just threw up on my dentist
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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