A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
