she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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