Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
