i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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