I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.