the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
