Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
