i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
