I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
