I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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