my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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