So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
