The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
