The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
tell me about the eggs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
