i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
