we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
