Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
