Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
