Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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