So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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