Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
