so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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