i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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