and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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