the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
