So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
