If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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