I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
