I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
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On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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