i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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